Wednesday, April 30, 2008
When I was about 7 years old, I started begging my parents for a brother or sister. I was so tired of being the only child...in the WHOLE family. Sure I was spoiled, but I wanted someone to play with, someone to share things with. Then my aunt had a little boy. I was thrilled. I loved that there was a little baby and that is how each family function was spent - me obsessing over the baby.
Then it happened. My mom was pregnant. Oh the joy I felt. I was so ecstatic. Now, I was 8 and my wish was being fulfilled. What wasn't apparent to my little 8 year old self that I now understand is that my family life wasn't the best. I am not going to go into details, but I will say that my parents are truly amazing and have worked very hard to be where they are now. Anyhow, not only was the family life not the greatest, my mom had one of the most stressful jobs ever. She put in the most crazy hours and her job just exhausted her. Even with her being pregnant, her job still worked her crazy long hours and then made her help MOVE their office (including lifting and what not). Complications started. She had no amniotic fluid. And eventually, I think it was around five months, she was put on bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. There was no coming off of it. It was very weird going from having a mom that was always working, cooking, running around doing everything, to her doing...nothing. Thinking about it as I write this, I don't really remember all that much other than spending a lot of time in the living room by myself. I was alright with this because soon, my baby brother would be here and things would go back to normal.
One day I was taken over to one of their friends houses. Mom was only seven months at this time and I was told she was in labor. I was told that he was here. He made it in the world, but was very weak and his lungs weren't developed all the way. I stayed at the friends house and the next morning on my way out to the bus stop I was told that my baby brother had died. He had lived a short 8 hours. Being 8, you don't really understand what is going on. So I did the only thing I knew, I walked to the bus stop and was on my way to school. Second grade. I wasn't there too long before my mom's friend came and picked me up and took me back to the house.
I was sad. But the sadness really hit until I saw my mom and I saw my dad. Their lives were shattered. There was so much blame, there was so much guilt. There was so much sadness, so many questions unanswered and a huge void left in their hearts, in my heart, in the family's hearts. I was out of school for at least a week. I know that my second grade class sent us flowers and we had numerous loved ones and friends bring us food and just try to comfort us and support us. The funeral was a blur. The main thing I remember is my mom sobbing and one of my great aunts bringing me, the big sister, a pretty pink tea cup with a cat on it and matching saucer. He was initially buried at Mountain View Cemetery.
As time went on, the tears wouldn't be constant, but the hurting never went away. We were left and are still left thinking of the baby brother that didn't get the chance to live at every holiday and every year for his birthday. There are still days that we have melt downs. A year after my brother passed away, my sister was born. What a blessing she is. I was very happy to have a little sister, but in no way did she fill the void of the loss we felt with TJ didn't live.
A few months back, my grandpa asked my parents if they would be interested in moving my brother from Mountain View to our family cemetery that is about a mile from where my family lives up Mt. Rose Highway. Again, being 8 and not understanding everything, I didn't realize that when my brother passed, my grandpa and grammie were not in town. They weren't here and they missed the funeral. My parents did what anyone grieving would do. They just went ahead with arrangements and tried to do right by Thomas James. There was a lot of thinking and soul searching involved in the decision. Mountain View was a place that he had been for nearly 18 years when it was mentioned to move him. But in our hearts, we knew he belonged home, at the family cemetery. Having to go through all the health codes and everything else involved was really tough on my mom and dad. It took a few months before it was able to be done.
Sunday, April 27th, was his day of graduation. It was his day to finally be home. It was by far the most beautiful day. The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze flowing through the trees. I remember walking into the cemetery. I was scared. I didn't know what to think and I didn't know what to feel. I was consumed with grief. For days previous I had been debating whether or not I was going to say something and with the help of Shannon, found exactly what fit and exactly what I needed to say. Although, I didn't think I would have the strength to say it. When I walked up, the first thing I saw was the beautiful little white casket in the top corner and the perfect stream of sunlight shining down on the most wonderful little boy that wasn't able to live in this world. The ceremony we had was just right and fit the family and what we needed perfectly.
I couldn't stop crying. My mom had a crazy break down about the whole thing on Friday, so she was the more calm one on Sunday. Her going into to pre-mature labor and my brother not living really caused my mom a lot of guilt. She has been able to express herself and her sadness and grief through the years. You can always tell when it hits her, she gets very quiet and withdrawn. Then you talk to her and that is when she breaks and cries and then we cry together. My dad, he just keeps everything to himself. I don't know that I really remember him showing his grief when it happened 18 years ago. Sunday was different though. I actually saw my dad cry. It was one of the saddest and hardest things I had to see because I think my dad is the greatest, strongest thing ever. It it hurt me even more to see how much he was hurting and how much he always holds in. My little sister was a wreck. Although she wasn't here when it happened, she has still felt the affects and lived with it. Poor little sissy.
When it was time for people to speak, the floor was opened up to me, the big sister. Oh how little I felt, how weak, how broken. I held the paper in my hand of the poem Shannon helped me find and I just was shaking. I had no voice. My sister was clutching to me and soon my dad was there with his arm around me. I still couldn't speak. Everyone was just staring at me and I knew that I had to do it. I had to be the one to say the words that express exactly how my heart feels and has felt for 18 years and not someone say them for me. Somehow I did it. Although my voice was broken and shaky, it was there and the words flowed out. I cracked, I had to stop and cry, but I went on and I read the whole thing. The poem was this:
My Little Brother
For the little brother I'll never know,
Born too soon before he could grow,
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't give,
If only my little brother could somehow live,
But you were too precious for this world,
From Earth to Heaven, your place was filled,
I felt so warm, content inside,
My smile for you was hard to hide,
But now you're gone I sit and cry,
Why did my little brother have to die,
One day I know we'll meet again,
My heart will then be freed from pain,
But until that day does arrive,
In my heart you'll stay alive
I can't read that and not cry. It is all so true. And I really have to thank Shannon, yet again, for being so amazing and wonderful and being there when I needed her and helping me the way that she did. Thank you, I appreciate you.
My sister read her poem that she wrote herself. She is so amazing. Her words were so cute. I wish I had a copy that I could post. And then my dad talked. His words weren't pre-written. They came from his heart and were exactly what he had been feeling. And he cried. The pain he felt from not having his son grow up with him was apparent. He also talked about when we look at my cousin (the only boy in the family since my brother didn't live), who would be just a year older than my brother. When we look at him, we see an image of my brother. We think about if he was here how close they would be, that he would be playing sports too and getting ready to graduate. We see so much in Paul and are so proud of Paul.
Ugh...I feel like none of this is making any sense...
Anyway, after we talked a couple of my family members said something short and sweet and then we finished up the ceremony. My mom had bought a bouquet that sat on the casket that was made up of white carnations with blue tips and white roses and a beautiful banner that said Thomas James. The casket was gorgeous. A stark white that was velvet and had a gorgeous design. At the end, we all placed individual white roses and carnations that matched the bouquet. It was all so emotional, so wonderful, and so hard at the same time. I waited til I hugged all my family and finally got a chance to get up to the casket alone and talk to my baby brother. I feel at peace with where he is at now. I am thankful that he is finally home and closer to us. I love knowing that he is finally where he belongs.
I think it needed to be done, for closure and for his spirit to finally truly be free. The rest of the day was spent with family and it was just what was needed. I still can't get over how gorgeous and perfect the day was. Even with him being home, I will still miss him every day. I will never forget the little baby that didn't get to live with us and that I didn't get to watch grow up. I do hope that my parents no longer carry the guilt that they did. I just want peace.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Today has got to be one of the hardest day of my life. The first being my brother dying, suddenly 18 years ago, the second being losing my Papa (oh a man that will ever be with me and engrained in all memories and missed more than he will even know), and the third being...bringing my little baby brother home. A home where he belongs. A home where he belongs and he will be close to our family, a place where he can soar and be hear. And he can be with us.
Baby brother...TJ (Thomas James), I love you so very much, I miss you each and every day and I hope that you know I look for you and I need you every day of my life. You are truly amazing and I would be so very lost without you.
Rest my little baby brother, flow in the trees, the air...be with us, but be free.
WE LOVE YOU.... I love you...l
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My poor little sister is caught in some shit right now. She runs in this circle of girls and this girls are just down right vicious. I thought that we were vicious (don't compare to you or I, Shannon!!!), but I was wrong. The things my sister tell me make me want to cry for her and I cringe. There is one girl in particular that tries to come off as the sweet and innocent type and she is the worst. She is your typical low self esteem, not a lot of confidence but really tries to come off as she does. She dresses all slutty and then tries to say that she is prude, yet has the mentality of a player. This girl is one that you get a negative vibe from just from meeting her from the first time. And for some reason, she has made it her mission to screw with my sister from day one. I tried warning her, but at 16, you don't listen to anyone.
I am not saying that my little sister can't be a little brat because I know that she can. I have seen it and dealt with it first hand. But for the most part and from what I can see, she just wants to fit in. She just wants to get along with people. Her down fall is, she has a couple great friends and then when new girls, like the one I mentioned before, come along she seems to kind of put all her time and energy into them and therefore blowing off the girls in her life that are nice and worth a damn. So then she comes off as a bad person and in the end, the stupid girls screw her over and cause her grief and then her 'true' friends have hurt feelings, so she feels alone. And I hate knowing that she feels like that. I know how she feels and I believe that every girl can relate to how she feels and has been there at one time or another.
All I could tell her is to make it right with the people that matter. It may take time since they feel almost abandoned, but it can happen. I also told her that I hope she learned from this one. Girls are so shady and so vindictive. I hate it. That was one of the biggest things that I hated about high school. If I could do it over, I would definitely be different. But I can't and things that I have wanted to make right I have. I just hate that my little sister is going through it and wish there was something I could do, other than being there for her. Everyone has to go through it though and its better she learns it now than later.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Also, she knows the words to MANY songs. And she will bust them out better than anyone else. Today was nice because I was just realizing how tired I was getting and how quiet it was with everyone else gone. So her little presence was much needed.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
There are a couple of my friends that I know that put their little 'friends' to good use. They LOVE them. I would say they both use them at least a couple times a week. All these girls are in relationships, so they are still getting action from a guy. One couple, the guy totally enjoys breaking out the toys and using them on his girl and gets excited when she gets him little fun things. The other couple, the complete opposite. Her man doesn't understand why she would have toys if she was with him and thinks that it is a slap in the face. I find this completely amusing...both sides. Probably because I have been around for both sides of the discussions and it is funny to know how different people are about certain things.
Personally, I look at it like this. There is no problem with toys at all. Especially if you are single. I would much rather bust out a toy then go sleep with some random ass that I meet downtown at a bar like MANY girls do. It is actually sickening to know how promiscuous some girls are. Anyhow, I find it more safe and you don't have to deal with any nonsense. While in a relationship, I think that toys should still be acceptable. I mean, it's not like you aren't going to want the real thing. And like my friend pointed out to her man, if he can jack off any time he wants, why can't she use something when the mood strikes. I, myself, will never give up my little friend and I don't think my friend will no matter how much her guy has a problem with it. I think she will just be sure to use it when he is not around. Or maybe the idea will grow on him and he will use it to his advantage. You never know.
Anyhow, I was just curious what you guys thought of this and what your partners think so I could pass on the opinions. This topic gets brought up at every get together and really is so much fun!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Oh yea. And I love collecting shot glasses, so here is a shot of them.
Ah, yes a yummy bottle of wine and some yummy Mango Margarita mix from Dawn!!!!
A picture of my cluttered bar area.
And the above picture of all my wine glasses doesn't reflect the 6 new ones my grandma got me for my birthday!
Tylene, Brittney and I getting ready for the first run!
My hair. It was way different than everyone else's. All the other girls had their hair down and all curled and flowing. But I liked how mine turned out!
The group of girls in our dresses for the second walk. Three of them are actual brides to be!!!
Me and the pretty Tylene. The dress I was wearing was cute, but didnt' really fit that well, but I still liked it.
Us girls again. Brittney's dress was super pretty!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I showed up tonight thinking that I would only be doing six miles. That to me was still a lot in my eyes. Not to mention, I was up at 4:30 this morning and at work at 6. And my day was absolutely crazy and out of control. I didn't even take a lunch. I munched while I was working. The only thing I did was put up the couple blogs that I did because the pictures were too fun not to share. Come 4 this afternoon, I was dead tired. The only thing that I wanted to do was go to sleep. But I told myself that I could knock out six miles AND then I could rest. HAHAH! My mom had something else in store for me. Her group that she is training with was doing TWELVE miles tonight and she some how talked me into going with her group. I know, I am crazy.
Truthfully, it wasn't that bad. I think the hardest part was that it was cold out, so that makes your muscles tense up easy. It was awesome though. We didn't actually do the twelve miles, just TEN. I do have to say that by the end of the ten, I was ready to be done. It is definitely something that I want to keep doing. We walked at an extremely fast pace most of the time, but we would run too. It was nice. My sister and I stayed together the whole time. It was awesome doing something with my mom and sister and it being something that is healthy. The group is going again on Saturday, but I don't think I will be able to make it because I have to work. I can't say I am too disappointed since they are doing eighteen miles, but kind of wish I could do it just to say I did. But then again, I think it might be good to drop in miles for the next time before doing another day of high miles.
So that is that. I am going to start training regularly. I don't know if I am for sure going to do a full marathon, but I am definitely considering doing the half ones. I believe that there is one in Reno that is coming up in May that I am going to look into. I can't wait for the weather to get better so that it's not freezing and I don't have to be bundled up!! Oh and I have a feeling that I could be pretty sore tomorrow...
Monday, April 14, 2008
The long haired one is my sister's date. They aren't together, but are hanging out. Turns out the guy doesn't want a girlfriend because he is going away to college soon. So, they are just having fun. The other guy took one of my sister's close friends.
This has got to be one of the best pictures I have ever seen of my little sister. She is stunning, just beautiful. I am so proud of her and love her so much!
Next it was on to pictures of the three of them.
Yep he is giving me the evil eye cause I blew his little plan. My parents thought it was great cause they didn't have to say anything.
Swae had to get in on the action.
And so did Seth!
Just the guys.
Seth telling them they better mind their manners or else!
Showing they his GUNS...they were intimidated.
From what my sister said, the dance was great and she had a wonderful time. I can't wait to see the pictures they took at the dance.
Me and my Sweet Love, Tara, on the way to BJ's for an appetizer and Jerry Burst! After our little snack, we decided to hit up the dollar store. We seriously had such a good time. Not something I would have expected, but something I would totally do again. While we were in there, Kara and Paul called from JAPAN to sing Happy Birthday to me. It was so weird. When they called me, it was Saturday afternoon, but for them it was Sunday morning and they were getting ready to go eat breakfast! They called Friday night too to talk to us and it was my birthday there, but still Friday here. So crazy.
After my quality time with Tara, it was off to my parents with Eli and the kids to help my sister get ready for her prom. The girl was freaking out. It was so funny. She was so stressed that she wouldn't be ready in time. I was able to make her smile though and grab a cute picture of the two of us.
And I couldn't let my mom be left out, so I made sure she was in one also!
After we got my sister off, the kids, Eli and I went to dinner at Red Lobster with his parents. Swae had told Eli earlier in the week that was where she wanted to take me for my birthday, so it was special and the dinner was fantastic.
Family, friends, good times. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday.
Now, I am not really loving this picture of me, but it will do since my pretty friends are in it.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I actually feel guilty when I take a break from the mounds of work I have piled around to even type an email. I think it is something that I am going to have to get over because seriously, to stay sane, I have to do something other than work during the day...even if for five minutes! Plus I am starting to realize the mounds of work are never going to go away, so I can only do what I can do and need to stay sane while doing it!!!!
I have been managing to help Tara plan Kara's bridal shower and we are in the making of planning the bachelorette party. And then there is the boss's baby shower that I have been planning. I am so thankful that I have help with the both of them. There are so many things to do and with how stressed I have been lately, the help was much appreciated. Since a lot of you are married and have kids, I would like to know things that you enjoyed at your showers, both bridal and baby. I love getting ideas from other people because I know that I hate going to showers that are boring!!! Tara and I ordered the bridal shower invitations. They are so gorgeous, I can't wait to get them here and get them mailed out. When I was out shopping for the twins birthday, I found cutie little invitations for the baby shower and started getting those out. I have a lot going on in the next month!!! But it will keep me out of trouble.
I was just informed that my little sister has a date to PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know most are probably thinking, big deal, we've been to a million proms. Not my little sister...she hasn't been to a prom yet and she is a junior. She has gone to all the Winter Dances, but she has always just gone with her girl friends. She hasn't really been that into boys until this year. Well, I take that back. She started getting a little boy crazy last year, but this year it is on full force. She is so freaking cute. She always has at least three that she is talking to and won't settle with just one because she loves the attention from them all. I love that she is just playing the field and not just settling down. She is such a wonderful girl. This guy that she is going to prom with is someone that she has been crushing on for awhile. From what I hear, he is a little cutie and she couldn't be more excited. I am so happy for her. I can't wait to see her all dressed up in her gorgeous dress and help her do her hair and make-up. She will be stunning and that guy that is her date is one lucky fella. Now, I just need to have a talk with him and let him know that he needs to keep it in his pants!!! I'm not ready for my little sister to be "de-flowered"!!!
I had a good weekend. Finally got out of town. Went down to Great America and rode some rides and then went to San Francisco to Pier 39. Always a good time. I was surprised at how slow Great America was. There were buses of kids there, but there was still no more than a ten minute wait for any ride. Most you could walk right up and get on the next one. It was perfect. It is always such a drag having to wait in line for 45 minutes are longer. Oh and I went on the swing for the first time. I thought I was going to pee my pants I was so scared. But I didn't and it was actually one of the funnest things I have done. It was so nice to get away, to not be in town for a weekend.
Oh yea, got the test results back. Everything came back 100% normal. That is a good thing, but also frustrating since I still don't feel normal either. Maybe it is just a phase, I don't know. All I know is that it isn't like me to go to sleep on a Saturday night (even out of town!!!) at 7:30 and not wake up until Sunday morning at 9!!!! That is just not like me at all. But it must have been what I needed. I am actually feeling better than I have, so maybe things are looking up. I guess we will see.
I still haven't got those bridal show pictures. I'm so pissed I forgot my own camera. I hope to get them soon and then I will for sure post them. And I will be sure to post pictures from the twins birthday get together and my beautiful sister ready for the prom!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I love you Kara and Tara and thank you for always being there for me and for being the greatest friends. Your friendship is something that I cherish and hold very dear to my heart!
But really, it has been the week from hell, with it's glimpses of heaven as well. Work has been insanely stressful. I don't know what is going on. Every time I think I am getting caught up and things are going so well, BAM, I get three more piles added to my plate. So now I am swamped and stressing. I do however realize that there is only so much that I can do and that what I don't get to today will be waiting for me tomorrow, next week, and so on.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
In one office, she decided to mess with the guys keyboard. She changed all the keys around on his keyboard. I wish that I could see his reaction when he is typing and he thinks he is pressing one key and it is showing up something different. I guess she is planning on covering his office with post-it notes as well.
In the other guys office, she completely rubber banded the receiver of the phone to the base. I thought maybe she used just a few bands. NOPE!! This thing is completely covered. You can hardly tell the the phone is black due to there being so many rubber bands. From what she said, it took her a LOT of time to get it like that and I am assuming that it is going to take the supervisor a LOT of time to get all the bands off to get to his phone!
As for not being at work yesterday, and this is no April Fool's joke, I was at Urgent Care. I don't feel sick or anything, but there is something going on with me that just isn't right. I have been so tired lately. And there really is no excuse for it. It's not like I have been pulling all nighters and partying all the time. Or that I am not getting enough sleep. That isn't the case at all. I have been getting good sleep, I have actually been eating very well, and I have been being sure to take my vitamins on a daily basis. My tiredness is so bad that by the time I am done getting ready in the morning, I am so tired I want to go back to sleep. It is pretty miserable and I hate it. It doesn't matter if I go to bed at 8pm or 10pm, I feel the same way every day. They tested for mono and that was negative. The doctor said that I should go get some blood work done and have them check my thyroid and for hypoglycemia. So, it looks like I will be spending this morning calling to see if I can get into a regular doctor that can order me blood work. Right now, I just want to figure out what is going on because I know that it is completely abnormal to be this tired ALL THE TIME.
I hope all of you have a great April Fool's Day. Do share any good pranks that you do or witness!