Friday, December 29, 2006

Oh, what a night

I have to write about my night last night because it is just so weird how it all panned out, but you need all the details leading up to last night. First of all, I had said that I would go to the basketball game at UNR with the guy I coach volleyball with at the beginning of the week. The deal between him and I is simply this: he likes me and has told me and I have made it very clear on several occasions that I want nothing more than a friendship with him. He is ok with that and knows I like going to the game and his other friend couldn't go, so he asked me. He is well aware of every other guy that I have dated and that I am still hung up on M.L. (which is another story in itself). Well, Tuesday night M.L. had said that he wanted to meet up and "talk" last night and then we were both going to the game and he asked if I wanted to meet up there and I said I would come say hi. That turned into, "well who are you going with?" I replied, thinking nothing of it, "the guy I coach with." Holy crap was that a wrong move. He was like, "uh oh, sounds fishy, have fun with that." I was pissed. Seriously, where does he get off. So I text him telling him that if I had something to hide, I would have lied about who I was going with to which he responded, "play on player." Whatever. I called, we talked, we laughed, said we we would see each other at the game and that was it.

So on the way to the game I am telling the guy I coach with everything that has been going on the last two weeks between M.L. and I and my story is just about done as we are walking into Lawlor and I swear to you, M.L. walks by. How flippin crazy is that!?! So we get in and I went over and said hi and no joke, he hugs me and says, "hey babe, how's it going?" There was a little small talk, I introduced the two and off I went to my seat. From my seat, I was literally two sections away from where he was and could see him clear as day. We text a few times during the game and after I asked if he was still wanting to meet up. The text messages started off as him just flipping me shit about how my night was and if the guy I went with and I had nice deep conversations. At first I thought maybe he was joking until he laid into me being out on a date and that he just got faded and didn't feel like talking and wanted to do it tomorrow. I was so annoyed. I just sat there thinking that I have been hung up on a guy that seriously is just a waste of my time and a piece of shit just like the rest of the sorry assholes I have dated. So the texts got crazy back and forth and he was telling me to calm down and that we would talk, just not last night and on and on and I finally just let him know that he obviously has no respect for me and that he isn't the guy that I thought he was. That tipped him over and the conversation ended.

So now I am left pissed off at myself for thinking that he was something that he isn't and just annoyed with what a douchebag he is. I guess it is good that I found out though and that I am able to move on now. I just am shocked at how selfish people can be. It is crazy. I thought my night would end with different answers from him, that we would have sat down and actually talked about things, and would have a good feeling. Instead, shit hit the fan and I am left thinking so much less of the person he is. It is quite sad actually, but what can you do?

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Need to give credit

I just have to tell whoever reads this (could be just you, Shannon), that Shannon is a fantastic cook. That's right. When she says she is the best, she isn't lying like most other douchebags would. I have been over for dinner twice and been amazed and ate more than normal both times because it is so flippin good. The first night she made this stuffed chicken thing and it was yummy as all get out. I usually can't eat more than half a chicken breast and I ate the whole damn thing along with asparagus, potatoes, and salad. Not only that, she goes as far as to ask what I like and don't like so I will for sure like what she makes. Amazing person I tell you. Last night I got to eat a yummy chicken, artichoke, pasta dish she came up with. When I asked what the sauce was she just said it was something she came up with. Seriously today when I started to get hungry I was wishing I had some it was that good. So kudos to you my dear friend. You are full of awesomeness and totally kick ass.

Oh ya, she is great at baking and her truffles are the shit!

I'm just plain Weird...

I seriously think I have issues. I don't know what my problem is. I am the type of person that loves being in a relationship but am at this point in my life where I am terrified as all get out of getting to that point again. The last thing that I want to do is open myself up again to someone and then end up heartbroken and having to do it all over again.

My stupid ex, Bryan, got me to the point of having a hard time trusting guys. I seriously have the hardest time believing that the things that come out of a guys mouth are true. I even had a hard time trusting M.L. Yes, that is a fact. I don't flippin get it. How does one sorry son of a bitch taint my life???? He is the biggest piece of shit I know and yet, my experiences with him have made each relationship after him hard for me. Take whatever it is there was between me and M.L. I was so scared of being hurt that I spend a ton of my time trying to guard myself and just closed myself off. Who knows if things would have been different if I was different. The fact still remains that I am not the same person that I was before Bryan changed my life. I used to be able to meet a guy and just fall for him and jump in with both feet. Now baby steps seem like it is too fast.

I keep saying how I want to meet a nice guy. One that would never do even one of the things that Bryan did to me and yet, the minute I meet a remotely nice guy, I want to run as fast as I can away from him. Mostly it just seems that the nice ones come on so freaking strong that it makes me sick. I am so sick of hearing the same things over and over because they think that I want to hear them. I mean, yes, every girl wants to be told that they are pretty, beautiful, sexy, and whatnot, but not a fucking million times a day. I want a guy to be nice and like me and not fucking smother me. It seriously takes the thrill out of dating. This is something that I am experiencing right now. There is this guy. He is cute (not a knock out by any means) and super nice. But he is really just overwhelming at this point. Not to mention he is a big church goer and he is still trying to get to me to be one. Guess what???? That is not me. Yes, I believe in God, but I have never been one to go to church, so please don't push it on me. Not to mention, I feel bad even saying shit around him. What the hell?!?! I say shit all the time. It is like Shannon saying fuck. That is just how it works. So said guy emails me a million times a day and continues to ask me to hang out. He just asked if I wanted to go to lunch on Sunday and I said I was working and now he wants to come to my work so I can wait on him and he can (not lying), "hit on a hot server." Are you fucking kidding me!? Don't come to my work to see me unless I invite you!

And I don't get how I can like emailing someone so much (not said guy above) and then meet him in person and have the connection not be there (you know who I am talking about Shannon). How the hell does that work? I feel like I am completely fucked up and that people around me are thinking I am a complete dumbass. I might be, but I don't know. I keep telling myself that I can't help not being into a guy. A friend was saying to me today how lucky I am to be a girl and have guys just come after me and want me and how he doesn't understand how I don't take up the opportunities. Seriously? Just because there are opportunities doesn't mean that I like the ones that I have. Ya, it is flattering to have someone like you and hit on you, but that doesn't mean you want to date them or marry them. I can't help that I have come into contact with a few nice guys and don't have any interest in them other than a friendship. I don't know why I am not attracted to them physically or that I don't feel that "connection" that you only feel with certain people.

Maybe all this is a sign for me to keep being busy and just doing my own thing and just hanging out with my friends. I don't know. I honestly am happy being single right now. And no, I am not one of those single girls that goes out to clubs just to pick up a guy to take home and fuck for the night. In fact, I don't go out much at all and if I do, I don't go out with any intention of meeting or talking to guys. I go out to have fun with my friends and just dance my ass off.

So is there something wrong with me?? Am I out of my flippin mind or what? Why are things just so flipping weird??!?!?!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

This Week's Preview

This is going to be an incredibly long week. This day alone feels like it has taken a week, so the rest of the week is hard to imagine. For the majority of the day, I have been the only one in the office. How boring is that? What makes it even more boring is not having any work to do. That's right, I am sitting here getting paid to do nothing. Why on Earth do I even have to be here? Oh that's right. Both supervisor's are out, so is my co-worker (but that is understandable), and over half the damn office. I think that the day after Christmas should be a holiday. No one ever wants to work it, everyone complains when they are at work because they don't want to be and it is all around just annoying.

So my plan this week, at work of course, is to finish my book, write more blogs, update my new 2007 calendar, catch up with friends, and just relax. That's right and I will be getting paid to do it all. Oh and I will figure out what my New Year's Resolution is going to be. Doesn't that just sound absolutely splendid? I thought so.

A Great Christmas...with a little hurt

Christmas was good this year. Once again, my sister and I were completely spoiled and got everything that we asked for. My parents love to make us happy and feel they have to do that. I loved just being with them though and the rest of my family. This year was just so nice. Everyone seemed to just relax and enjoy and things weren't tense. And although this Christmas was awesome, it was also sad and hard for me as well.

This was my first Christmas without my Papa. I think that had a lot to do with my attitude last week and it was just coming out in many different ways and in many different areas. It was so weird to be able to open presents without waiting for him to get there and grab his cup of coffee first. To not have him there joking about just how spoiled my sister and I are, even though he used to spoil us just as much. To not have him smile and laugh and just be in the room. I found myself crying at so many different times during the day. I know that he was with me and my family, but it just wasn't the same and that is just me being selfish. I wasn't ready for him to not be here, yet am so thankful that he isn't hurting anymore and peaceful. I just hope he knows how much I love and miss him and will for the rest of my life.

Friday, December 22, 2006

A New Day

Today is a new day and for that I am thankful. I seriously hate being as upset as I was yesterday. It is just not fun or good in any way. I have had time to calm down and think about things and although I am still not happy about my situation at my job, I am not completely destroyed emotionally. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that there wasn't enough respect for me on my supervisor's parts to come and talk to me about what was going on. Instead I had to over hear it. It just would have been a complete different story if it had come from them. Oh well though. Now I just need to talk to them about it.

I am thankful that I at least have a job and have insurance and benefits. I am thankful that I am healthy and able to come to work. I have realized my life isn't ending and all is well in the world. Sorry for my outburst.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Flippin Irate Right Now!

I am so pissed right now that I seriously can't even see straight and I am not sure what the hell do do about it. Where the hell do people get off lying and going behind others backs when they know the person is going to find out?? Who the hell does that kind of shit? I just found out today that the job that was supposed to be mine (or supposedly going to be) is being offered to someone else. That's right. They didn't like the people that they interviewed, so instead of opening the list up so I can apply and get on it to be interviewed and then hired, they are going to transfer someone up from Carson. Oh but here is the kicker. I am not supposed to know anything about this. That's right, my supervisor's told my co-worker not to say anything to me and to be secretive about it knowing I would be upset about it. Seriously!!?!?!?! WE SHARE A FUCKING OFFICE!!!!! That's right. I sit next to her and listen to the phone calls she makes.

So as I am sitting at my desk, wishing the day was over already, I hear her inquiring about this transfer. I couldn't believe my ears. And then when I say something I am told that she was told not to say anything to me. How the hell do people sleep at night?!! Do they not know that they are dealing with other people's feelings!?!? I am beyond mad I think. I am so pissed I am doing everything possible not to cry. I don't understand. How do you sit there and tell someone you want them in the position and be patient and then do something like this?

All it makes me want to do is find another job and say FUCK IT!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

A realization

I was told when I started my serving job by many people that I would get worn out and burnt out and that I was taking on too much. Well, I started to think over the weekend that maybe my friends and family were right. But then I got to thinking and I realized, I am ok. I am just extremely tired and irritated and little things are pissing me off. These last couple weeks have just been jam packed with stuff to do and so I am constantly on the go. The funny thing is, I enjoy working my serving job. So much, that I have even thought about quitting my state job, but then reality set in and I realize that is where my insurance is and I need to keep it. I just was getting over whelmed with Christmas shopping, Christmas parties and so on.

This last weekend I had was out of control. Work all day Friday, get called in to hostess Friday night. After I got off work, I had to rush over to my state Christmas party, but be sure to get home at a decent hour knowing I needed to get up and serve all day on Saturday. Get up Saturday morning, work all day, rush to a relatives house for a get together, rush to Kara's to get ready for another Christmas party keeping in the back of my mind that I need to get up and go to volleyball on Sunday, make sure all my presents are finished and ready to go for an exchange on Monday, go to work at 4 and was supposed to have a Christmas party Sunday night. My goodness. I was going insane. I was so tired Saturday night that I couldn't even think about drinking. I serioulsy was yawning the entire night and was told that I wasn't fun cause I wasn't drunk and being all crazy. So when Sunday morning came and I was thinking about all that I had to do, I almost had a breakdown. So I called volleyball and said I wouldn't be there. I got all my presents finished, they just needed to be wrapped and took a nap before work. The best news of the day was when I showed up to work to find out the party was canceled. The only thing I was thinking was, "Shit yes, I get to go home and sleep." How sad is that?!

So needless to say, I just feel exhausted. It sucks and I am trying to come up with a solution and I think I have found one. I don't think I am going to coach traveling volleyball. I know, big shock because I love to coach. Thing is, it is too much of my time for far too many months. I was thinking about all that I missed out on last year and I don't want to go through that again. Not to mention, I like working my serving job. I don't want to have to request time off of a job that I like so I can get paid less and have to deal with drama. No thank you. So it looks like my life of three jobs might go down to two and that means more time for me and for spending time doing this things I want to hang out with Shannon, my other friends, and family.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Out of My Bubble

Holy crap!!! I did something that is so out of character, thanks to Shannon. It was probably a good move, but I am still freaking out about it. After talking to Shannon about M.L., she told me that I needed to tell him exactly how I felt. Well, I was thinking about waiting to do it in person because him and I are supposed to be meeting up. But then we realized I wouldn't say all that I needed to say when I saw him and I was convinced I needed to send him an email so all was out and on the table and he could process it before we met up since he says he doesn't know how I feel. Well, I sat and sat pondering how the hell I was going to get the email out. I started typing and it just started flowing...along with my tears. That's right. I cried writing an email about how I feel about this guy. SO NOT LIKE ME!!!! After a lot of harassment, I sent the email on its way. But, I didn't know when he would be checking his email again, so I sent a text message saying to check his email. This text was forever in the making because I was so nervous and scared. I honestly opened myself up to be dumped on and that isn't a fun place to be. Text was sent. And the waiting began.

I waited all night and the next morning I got a text from M.L. asking what the email was all about and saying that he was busy and wasn't able to check it. I just told him that he would find out and left it at that. Again, more waiting. It wasn't until today that there was acknowledgement of what was written or if he had read it and let me tell you, I almost had a heart attack when I saw the text. And it was the cutest thing ever. He called me "babe". People don't just say babe, especially him. So I flipped out (ask Shannon). So now we are supposed to meet up, possibly tomorrow and I am nervous as all get out.

I don't know what to expect or really how to feel. I know that I am scared and it is so crazy on my emotions I could just cry!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Cleaning = Being a Freak

Honestly, when did cleaning your house translate into being a freak!?!?! I am still in shock over the comment that was boasted at me last night. Seriously, I just like to live in a clean house. I don’t like shit being scattered every where, I don’t like things just being left out on the counter, table, couch or where ever. I like to keep it neat because I hate letting stuff pile up and having to clean a butt load all at once. My roommate moved in over 2 weeks ago now and not once has she lifted a finger to help clean yet.

So last night since I was finally home (I know, it’s a shock), I did some cleaning. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, and the bathroom. The only thing I didn’t do was vacuum because I am curious of the people around me. As I am bagging up the trash that needed to be emptied and after being ignored all night, I hear a comment coming from the living room along the lines of, “Stop being a freak already.” WTF!?!?!!! Are you kidding me?? I’m sorry I am cleaning while I actually have some time to do so. I work 3 jobs. So my response back was, “It needs to get done and I will be busy the rest of the week.” I shouldn’t have to explain myself though for cleaning. I am still hot over it today. I don’t get some peoples logic.

I guess it didn’t help matters that she was totally moody last night and just not being nice to me at all. That’s right, I got a simple, “uh huh,” here and there. It was so annoying and I needed to rant about it.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Never Available

It is starting to be said that I am a busy bee. That's right, me. I guess I am always unavailable. How could this be you ask? Let's see. I work for the state at the Division of Child and Family Services, I am not serving and hostessing up at The Lodge at Galena, and I coach volleyball. And when I am not doing that, I am trying to please my mother by hanging out at her house and keeping up a social life. Lately, I have found myself going out on Saturday nights. This just makes me not home more and more. Not to mention, I try to keep up with seeing my friends (you included Shannon!!).

I don't know what it is. I feel like if I am not busy, then I am being lazy. And at this point in my life, I am trying to do all the things that I have wanted to do while I am still single, unmarried, and kid-less. Serving has always been something that I wanted to try, but have always been too shy to do it...I know, doesn't seem like it is possible, but it's true. So, I tried it and I absolutely love it. Yes, it is nerve racking at times, but it is fun. It makes for really long days when I am going straight from work to work, but I should benefit from it in the end I think. Volleyball is rewarding to me. I love working with the girls and knowing that I am making a difference in their lives. It makes me feel good. And work is just work. I have to work to pay the bills and I would get bored if I didn't.

I am not a huge fan of going out and partying. I don't like seeing the same people over and over and I seriously got sick of going to the same places. I went to 210 not knowing what to expect and really like the atmosphere there. It is crazy. That place is nuts until all hours of the morning. I don't like spending the money and I hate waking up feeling like shit the next day. But I have been going out with my friends the last couple weekends. I guess more than anything it just gives me something to do and I am able to meet new people. And by people, I just mean friends cause I am not a big fan of meeting and dating guys that I meet in a bar. Plus, my heart just isn't in it.

But because I am so busy, I feel like I am neglecting my friends. I feel that I let people down every week. I feel bad about it too. It's like there needs to be more hours in the day or more days in the week. Something. I love hanging out with my friends and doing things with them. Now I just have to find the time for it and them.

My Heart Breaks Still

Have you ever been totally into someone that it is easier to just pretend like you don’t care when it is over and that you have moved on? But in all actuality, you still think about this person all the time. You wonder what he is doing, who he may be with, if he thinks about you, and all he while wish that things were different and you could be with him. Well, that is me. That is the situation I have been in for months now. Sure, I have talked to other guys and even tried to hang out with them. But all I end up doing is comparing and still thinking about M.L.

Ah, M.L. That boy. I don’t know what it is about him or why I can’t get him out of my head or out of my heart, but he is constantly there. There is just something that is different about him and was different when I was with him. I met him randomly at a softball game. I didn’t notice him per say at first. I noticed his gorgeous smile and eyes. That is enough to make a heart melt right there. After the eyes and the smile, I noticed the rest of the package and let’s just say…HOT! We started talking, then we started hanging out and that is how it went. The thing with him and I is we were both getting out of a bad relationship about the same time. His was more serious and had lasted longer than mine and so he was more jaded than me by far. He was just scared to commit and to get too close. We communicated well for the most part and knew where each of us stood and the feelings that we had, but it got to a point where it was just too hard for me. I couldn’t be with someone and wanting someone and not be able to have the label and know that he was constantly getting close to me only to push me away because he would get scared.

So, I did the hardest thing ever and I told him that we just needed to be friends. That I couldn’t be around him all the time and act like boyfriend/girlfriend and feel like it was going no where. The conversation we had ended up being really emotional. I was doing something that scared me and that I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t see any other way. I think the hardest part was knowing that there were so many feelings and emotions on both sides and knowing that it wasn’t just hard on me, but for him too. So that was that. I closed off because it was easier than being hurt. There were a few texts back and forth for the next couple weeks after the big talk and then, nothing. It was horrible. I have spent the last two months just not understanding. To me, I would have thought he would at least want to stay in touch and that, but it wasn’t like that. Even with not talking to him, he was never far from my thoughts.

A couple weekends ago, I found out that he had been asking someone who knows me and my family, about how I was doing and what I was up to. Of course this gets back to me and my stomach starts flopping around. So as the conversation continues I found out he admitted that he really missed me. I honestly can’t tell you how I felt when I heard the words. After thinking about him and missing him, it was nice to know that he was doing the same thing. I thought about how things were and how we weren’t talking and I came to the conclusion that I needed to open up the lines of communication again. I know him and I know that he is scared to talk to me at this point. He thinks that I have completely cut him out of my life and that I have moved onto someone else. After a few days of pondering what to do, I got the courage to send him a text. I was nervous and scared. I didn’t know what to expect and I wasn’t sure how he was going to respond. It went so well though. Things were light and each just said how we were doing. And of course, I got the one question I figured I would. “Busy with what? Your new man?” That right there shows that he cares and I made sure to tell him there hasn’t been anyone else. And by the end, he had asked if we could get together. That doesn’t mean much though and I made sure to not get my hopes up.

I went out Saturday night and went to 210. I always fear going to this place for the simple fact that I always think I will see M.L. there. I had been lucky so far. I really tried to take it easy drinking on Saturday night, but every time I turned around, someone else had bought me a new drink. How do you stay sober like that?? A guy from my new job showed up and I was having all sorts of fun dancing with him and having a great time and then I saw M.L.’s roommate. My heart stopped because it was then that I instantly new M.L. was there. His roommate took one look at me and smiled and then turned and walked in the opposite direction. Within 30 sec, M.L. was by the dance floor looking around. So, I walked up to him. Let me just say, the boy looked damn good. So we talked and danced and gave each other shit. And of course the conversation turned to us and how things got how they were and it just was hard. Then he was sitting there saying that he has no idea how I feel about him and we need to talk and on and on.

I was so happy to see him, yet was so sad about the situation we were in. The thought of him being there and knowing he would probably be dancing with another girl crushed me. So, I had to leave. It was better to leave than have to see something I wasn’t ready to handle or deal with. And even with leaving, my little heart still broke and I ended up crying myself to sleep. It sucked and I hated it. And I just don’t know what to do about it.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

The Joy of Roomates

Oh dear, is this a funny yet aggravating story. Let me start with saying that I haven't lived with a roommate in years and have been living entirely on my own until Nov 25. It has been a readjustment to say the least. All my stuff is being used and not by me. And let's face it, no one takes care of your stuff the way that you do. Now, my perfect little condo will have glasses laying around, an unfolded blanket on the couch, at least one dish in the sink, and so on. I have dealt with all that well and even with the fact that at least two times a week I am woken up when she gets home at night. But last night, I was freaking out.

I get home from having dinner over at Shannon's (which was fantastic!) and my roommate and a friend were over. He is a cutie I might add. We all chilled and watched some TV, played a little Mad Gab, and chatted. Well, it got late and I was awful tired, so friend said he was going home and roommate decided she was going to go the gym and walk out with friend. Great, BEDTIME! I was so flippin excited. I wash my face and brush my teeth and am getting ready to go in my room, when roommate walks back in the door on her cell crying, and goes straight in her room and closes the door. Great, guy drama.

I finish what I was doing, go in my room, close the door, and can clearly hear crying and realize that her boyfriend just broke up with her. Swell, this will be a long night. She stomps out of her room, still on the phone mind you, and into the bathroom. The crying continues and the voice continues to rise. At this point I am really starting to feel bad for the girl because it is never fun to get broken up with (even if everyone around your thinks it is the best thing ever!). Five minutes pass and she stomps back to her room...still on the phone. I am just about to crawl in bed when I hear CRASH-BANG. I quickly stop and head toward my bedroom door where I wait a few more seconds. Then I get to hear a really loud THUD against the wall and realize it is time for me to go into her room and see what the hell she is doing.

I walk in to see all the pictures and other things that were once on the window sill on the floor. Then I see the wall. Much to my dislike, there is a nice six inch gash through the sheet rock of the bedroom wall. That's right. She was so upset about being broken up with, she decided to throw a picture frame against the wall. I was dying looking at it. Here is a side note, I am the only person on the lease of the condo, I am the one that paid the deposit, and therefore, I am the one that is responsible and the one who will be losing money for things that go wrong with the place. I try to forget about the hole in the wall for a little bit and decide it is time to comfort my roommate and try to get her calmed down so nothing else destructive happens. I felt so bad. I have been her place before and it really sucks. It seems like your world is crashing down. I get her calmed down enough to where I don't fear that anything else will get broken or destroyed and decide I will go to bed since she is calling her ex back.

So now, I am just frustrated and a little lost on how to handle the situation. Obviously it is something that her and I need to talk about, but I am not sure how to approach the subject. Not to mention, she flies home for five weeks next Saturday. What a night huh?