Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'm just plain Weird...

I seriously think I have issues. I don't know what my problem is. I am the type of person that loves being in a relationship but am at this point in my life where I am terrified as all get out of getting to that point again. The last thing that I want to do is open myself up again to someone and then end up heartbroken and having to do it all over again.

My stupid ex, Bryan, got me to the point of having a hard time trusting guys. I seriously have the hardest time believing that the things that come out of a guys mouth are true. I even had a hard time trusting M.L. Yes, that is a fact. I don't flippin get it. How does one sorry son of a bitch taint my life???? He is the biggest piece of shit I know and yet, my experiences with him have made each relationship after him hard for me. Take whatever it is there was between me and M.L. I was so scared of being hurt that I spend a ton of my time trying to guard myself and just closed myself off. Who knows if things would have been different if I was different. The fact still remains that I am not the same person that I was before Bryan changed my life. I used to be able to meet a guy and just fall for him and jump in with both feet. Now baby steps seem like it is too fast.

I keep saying how I want to meet a nice guy. One that would never do even one of the things that Bryan did to me and yet, the minute I meet a remotely nice guy, I want to run as fast as I can away from him. Mostly it just seems that the nice ones come on so freaking strong that it makes me sick. I am so sick of hearing the same things over and over because they think that I want to hear them. I mean, yes, every girl wants to be told that they are pretty, beautiful, sexy, and whatnot, but not a fucking million times a day. I want a guy to be nice and like me and not fucking smother me. It seriously takes the thrill out of dating. This is something that I am experiencing right now. There is this guy. He is cute (not a knock out by any means) and super nice. But he is really just overwhelming at this point. Not to mention he is a big church goer and he is still trying to get to me to be one. Guess what???? That is not me. Yes, I believe in God, but I have never been one to go to church, so please don't push it on me. Not to mention, I feel bad even saying shit around him. What the hell?!?! I say shit all the time. It is like Shannon saying fuck. That is just how it works. So said guy emails me a million times a day and continues to ask me to hang out. He just asked if I wanted to go to lunch on Sunday and I said I was working and now he wants to come to my work so I can wait on him and he can (not lying), "hit on a hot server." Are you fucking kidding me!? Don't come to my work to see me unless I invite you!

And I don't get how I can like emailing someone so much (not said guy above) and then meet him in person and have the connection not be there (you know who I am talking about Shannon). How the hell does that work? I feel like I am completely fucked up and that people around me are thinking I am a complete dumbass. I might be, but I don't know. I keep telling myself that I can't help not being into a guy. A friend was saying to me today how lucky I am to be a girl and have guys just come after me and want me and how he doesn't understand how I don't take up the opportunities. Seriously? Just because there are opportunities doesn't mean that I like the ones that I have. Ya, it is flattering to have someone like you and hit on you, but that doesn't mean you want to date them or marry them. I can't help that I have come into contact with a few nice guys and don't have any interest in them other than a friendship. I don't know why I am not attracted to them physically or that I don't feel that "connection" that you only feel with certain people.

Maybe all this is a sign for me to keep being busy and just doing my own thing and just hanging out with my friends. I don't know. I honestly am happy being single right now. And no, I am not one of those single girls that goes out to clubs just to pick up a guy to take home and fuck for the night. In fact, I don't go out much at all and if I do, I don't go out with any intention of meeting or talking to guys. I go out to have fun with my friends and just dance my ass off.

So is there something wrong with me?? Am I out of my flippin mind or what? Why are things just so flipping weird??!?!?!

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