Rolling!!!

I was having a conversation with a friend just a minute ago and somehow I was called a dork...not uncommon. So I said it back to my friend who in turn says:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

I about died. That is so 1980's and ssssooooo something everyone used to say (at least that I grew up with!). My come back I think was much better.

"I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

So childish, yet so funny. I guess that is how you stay young at heart.

All's Well

Holy crap, what a crazy week last week was. I don't know how I managed to get through it and be as good as I am. But I did. I can't thank my family, my friends, my blogging friends enough. The support I received was unbelievable and so very much appreciated. I really needed to step back and put everything into perspective and I did that over the weekend. All of that wasn't the end of the world, although in the middle of it, it seemed like it for awhile. I realized that there are so many other people out there that have things so much worse than I do and were going through things that were so much worse than me. I realized I should be thankful that it was just a break up and not a divorce. I should be thankful that it happened now rather than later because it would have hurt that much more. Not to mention, I have friends and family that are going through much harder times (like Shannon and her pregnancy). So I stopped being selfish and have things all laid out.

I spend my weekend doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. I did things that were good for me...cleansing. With all of this, I have really taken to keeping to myself. I have found that I don't really want to talk to anyone or really be around anyone other than my family. I am ok being by myself and doing my own thing. I actually like it that way and have enjoyed it. I think it is something I need to do for me. I don't think this is a bad thing and will probably be something that is super helpful to me in the future. All I know is right now I am going to continue doing things that make me happy because that is what matters at this point.

Friday after work, I finally went and got a tattoo that I have wanted for years now. I found the design I wanted over a year ago. I don't know what has kept me from doing it sooner, but I went for it. It turned out absolutely wonderful. It is in remembrance of my baby brother that passed away when I was 8 years old. Maybe another time I will get into that story and how he passed away. So now, I have something that reminds me of him and is with me every day. I was so nervous going to have it done. I got it on top of my foot and everyone kept telling me that is one of the worst places to get a tattoo because it is tender. It actually didn't hurt. It was uncomfortable in some places, but I did well. I am so happy that I did it. I can totally see maybe getting a few more now.

Oh other good news. My uncle has been fighting for custody of my cousin. He and her mom have a long history and their relationship ended in a bad way. They did try to work things out, but her mom was too wrapped up in drugs and was something my uncle couldn't deal with. Since then, he met and married a wonderful woman and has started to build a family. My cousin's mom had custody of her, but didn't have a job or anything and wasn't able to support herself let alone my cousin, so she has been up here living in Reno with my uncle. Her mom ended up getting into the hard stuff. Her family tried getting her into rehab and she blew out both times she tried. It has been two months since anyone has heard from her. Her other daughter is being taken care of by her brother. My uncle went to court this morning and found out that he has full custody! This is such a great day for him. I can't even imagine what a relief it is for him to know that things are final and that my cousin is where she belongs. Of course it is sad that she won't be with her mom (at least until she is clean), but here she has a home, two people that adore her and a large family. So congrats Uncle B. I am so happy for you!

Ok, back to work. I just had to let you all know that I am doing well. Thanks again for everything.

Enough is enough

I realize that there are people out there that don't like me and have a problem with me, but being down right mean and rude is just really uncalled for. I have never intentionally tried to hurt anyone or get at them. It seems whoever you are really wanted people to know about the STD that was given to me by someone that I was with for years and loved. Well, the secret is out. I used to be so upset when I first found out about this little thing that had now become a part of my life thinking that it would forever ruin me and keep me from being with anyone. Since I have had it, I have been with two people...yes, two people in two years. Both of them were fully aware of it and both of them still decided to be intimate with me. I am open about it because I know what it is like to live with it and I would not wish it on anyone...not even the people that are being down right mean right now.

I have never tried to take someone's boyfriend from them. That just isn't how I am. Yes, I have done some stupid things in the past, but that was in the past. And I know that I am not the same person that I was in high school or even two years ago. It bothers me to know that people have such issues that they would deliberately be vindictive and destructive to someone else. I would never do that to someone. Yes, I have formed my own opinions about people over the years of knowing them and events that have take place. People form their opinions about me. Two each his own. Judge me if you want, I don't care. I live my life with no regrets. I am able to lay my head on my pillow at night guilt free.

Kasey (if you are reading this), I never did half the stuff that you accused me of when we stopped being friends. I was at a point that I wasn't going to argue with you to believe me because a "true" friend would never have had thought the things that you did. Do I hate you? No. I don't. I don't regret our friendship either. You have two amazing kids and we had some fun times. I didn't get with Eli to upset you, hurt you, or anything. In fact, Eli and I had nothing to do with you. It was just something that happened. I did think about you and how you would feel, but like I said in a previous blog, I couldn't let someone who wasn't a part of my life affect me being happy. It would be sad if it was you that is messing with Eli and I, but I can't stop you and neither can he. So, I will say that I am sorry if I hurt you being with him, but I didn't do it to purposefully get to you.

Kelly...after our last run in, I really don't have much to say to you. We haven't been friends since me and Mike half-ass dated. Again, me being with him had nothing to do with you at all. In fact, I didn't even really know that you guys had any relations until after. I never thought that you guys dated. I don't have any respect for you, but again, that is my opinion. Just as you have your opinion of me. I get that you are protective of your sister and your family, but they can handle their own. Your reputation around Reno is very well known. So I didn't drag you through the mud at all. What I did say, I probably shouldn't have, but after our run in, I didn't care. I know that you and I will never be friends or get along and I am ok with that.

Anyone else who is writing things anonymously: please stop being anonymous. If you are going to air my personal business, take credit for it. Let me and everyone else know who you are. I can guarantee you that I never intentionally tried to hurt you either or do anything mean to you. And if you have things that you would like to discuss with me, feel free.

I have tried to handle all this as maturely as possible even while having plenty of other stuff that I was dealing with where Eli and I were concerned. I am fortunate to have great friends and good blog friends that completely support me. Rather than have all of this continue to get out of hand, please keep your beef with me with me. Again, I never meant to hurt anyone. Now that you have aired my personal secret, I hope you feel better. Just know, you didn't get me down. I am still a very strong person. I am not looking for an argument or a fight or anything along those lines. I am not a kid anymore and would rather handle all things in an adult matter.

As for Eli and I...we are none of anyone's business. What we were, what happened, nothing.

Thank You

To all my readers who are supportive and have helped me through this tough time. A HUGE thank you to Shannon for being there. I understand why she didn't tell me what she knew and am just thankful I have had her in my corner to help me through this. It is nice to know that I am not alone and that I do have people behind me and backing me up.

If you haven't, you should read Shannon's post that she wrote. That will give you an idea of what is going on. And like her post said, I will be posting another blog later on today after I get some of my work done. So stay tuned and even more will make sense to all of you in the blogging world.

Comments

Hi friends. I just wanted to let you know that I have disabled comments on my page for a couple days. I will post later to let you know why I've done this. For now, I have kept my blog open for the people who care about me so they can read it.

So...TIRED

Last night I had a brilliant idea. I was going to drink myself into a slumber since I haven't been sleeping. It doesn't matter how tired I am, I can't sleep. My mind won't shut off. I just lay in bed and think and think and eventually my imagination starts playing tricks and I get myself all worked up. Oh it is so annoying. I don't know how to make it stop. So last night, I went running with my sister...not sure how I am able to work out because I haven't really been eating. The run felt great. When I am upset like I am it seems like I can run forever and I don't get tired. After, I went to my parents where I started drinking. I finished one bottle of wine all by my lonesome. And then I went to my house where I talked to Kylen and decided I needed to drink two more LARGE glasses of wine and a Smirnoff Raw Tea (oh so good by the way!). I was wasted. No food in my stomach. Just tons of alcohol. I went right to sleep or passed out. I was out so hard that I slept through my alarm clock this morning and was woken up by my dad banging on my bedroom window. Scared the shit out of me. I got up and rushed into the shower and that is when it hit me. I felt like a huge pile of dog shit. My head was pounding, my stomach was upset. I felt like I had been hit by a truck at least twice. And I was still oh so tired. I don't think that you really get good quality sleep when you pass out. Either that or the drinking just makes you extra tired. All I know is I feel at all rested today and am seriously dragging ass.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I hate being ignored...I really do. It seriously drives me insane and then my mind plays with me and it just isn't good at all. I felt that I had so much to say to Eli and that I needed to get it all out because holding it in was seriously making me sick. So, I wrote him a five page letter. It was very nice and explained to him all that I have been feeling and what I am thinking. I made it perfectly clear that I am not ok with him ignoring me and that I would rather have him tell me he hates me or to fuck off. I also let him know that I wish he would have enough respect for me to tell me what is going on of just say he is done once and for all. I put it in his mailbox on my lunch break. After writing it, I actually felt a little better. I wasn't holding everything in. He could very well have not read it, but I still got it out and it was at his house waiting for him when he got home from work. I wasn't surprised when I didn't hear from him last night or even today. If anything it is just making me start the moving on process.

There is so much of me wants to hold onto some hope and really think that this is all just a big misunderstanding. But I just can't hold on anymore. It would be totally different if he would say anything even if it be that he doesn't want to be with me or that he just needs some space to get some things worked out. Anything is better than nothing. It has now been over a week of this. I don't need to live like this or be treated like this at all.

So now I am figuring out my next move. He still has some things of mine at his house and a cell phone that is in my name. Him holding onto them and not giving them back gives me hope that maybe he isn't done and just needs time. But I don't want to be sitting on the side waiting for him to figure out what the hell he wants. I am not putting my life on hold any longer. I was thinking that I can't make him talk to me or answer his phone or anything else. But I could show up at his house. I was thinking that I could go over there after work around the time I know he is going to be there and just let him know I am there to get my things. I definitely don't want to fight with him or for there to be a scene. I just want my stuff and some closure and getting my stuff will give me that. I don't think I will ever get an explanation and that is something I have come to terms with.

I am just so sad that this is happening. I honestly didn't see it coming and thought he was the last person that would ever do something like this to me. Oh well. Guess that just means that there is someone better out there that will treat me even better than he did. I just don't think I will be able to get involved with anyone anytime soon.

Yes, I know, I have been completely MIA from the blogging world. I haven't even been reading other people's blogs. I know, I suck. But I just have been dealing with my own things and haven't really been in the mood to talk about my situation, let alone blog about it. Hell, I left town last week on Wednesday and didn't bother telling anyone that I was going to. I even deleted my myspace page. I have just about had it.


I was involved in a crappy relationship and from that, I was scarred. I didn't want to deal with guys, didn't want to remotely get into any sort of relationship at all because I didn't want to be hurt again. Being hurt sucks. I am sure you all can relate. I have tried to get close to people and tried to let people in, but with no success. M.L. came pretty close. I somewhat let my guard down with him. I was a little hung up on him too because...hell, because I was just stupid really. It was nice being around someone that I had a good time with. But then I realized I needed no one other than my family and friends. With them I could have a good time, laugh, and I wouldn't be hurt. So I continued on my single little way all the while staying away from relationships.


And then, Eli came along. And I'll be damned, but he totally swept me off my feet. He was able to break down any brick wall I had up to guard my heart. Somehow, he was able to win my trust...and I don't trust people that easy. I can honestly say, I have never trusted anyone as much as I trusted him. He was wonderful. He said and did all the right things. We seemed to have the "perfect" relationship. Everything was going great. Even though I know it was quick into the relationship, there was talk of marriage, kids, we almost paid for a cruise in November, just got two German shorthair puppies on Sunday, and just last Monday we talked about me moving out of my place and in with him completely since I was pretty much living there anyway. Yes, last Monday night.


Then Tuesday morning came along and my world turned upside down. I don't know what happened. All I know is I went from having a wonderful relationship to nothing. He won't tell me what is going on or anything. The only thing that he has said is that he got a "blocked message" and it pissed him off. I don't know what this 'message' said, but whatever it said has him scared enough to think he could possibly loose his kids. All this came as a super big shock to me and I just got a text saying he needed time to think. Wow...must have been some message. Of course I am freaking out and there are many other texts that were exchanged. Some of them nice, some of them not so nice. I had asked a few times if we were done and not one time did he respond. Not a yes or no or even go to hell. Nothing. So, I decided I was going to leave town. Most of my family was up at our family cabin. I was supposed to go up with Eli and the kids on Friday, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I called my boss and got the days off and left town first thing Wednesday morning with my dad. There was no contact whatsoever between Eli and I while I was gone. Nothing. 5 days of nothing being said.


I spent my 5 days with my family and actually ended up having a good time. It is amazing what getting out of town can do for you and being suck on the side of the mountain surrounded by beauty is just amazing. The first day was really rough, but the days got easier. I could leave what happened in Reno behind. I didn't have to deal with it. Then I came home on Sunday. I came home and had to move my stuff back into my place (forgot to mention I made sure to grab my things from his house and leave the key). Sunday night was the first night I had slept in my house in over a month. And the last time I had slept there, he was snuggled up right next to me. It was one rough, restless night with hardly any sleep. Yesterday I broke the ice. I actually text him and we seemed to have a decent text conversation. (I hate texting when it is over something important) But I needed to get the ball rolling. He has some stuff of mine and I just felt there were a lot of things that were left unsaid. He said all the right things - he loves me, misses me, can't stop thinking about me or us, and so on. So I told him I was going to go over there after the gym so we could talk. He said for me to call first because had a work party to go to. So after the gym, I text that I was out to which he responded he would be out awhile. I was a little floored considering our relationship is in shambles and told him I was going home. He said he would get ahold of me after. Well he had to be back at work at midnight so at 8:30pm he text saying he was going to bed and sorry and not to be mad. I can honestly say I wasn't mad. I was just so disappointed and sad and I let him know that. But I also let him know that I know he is tired and has to work all night and then turn around and pull a ten hour day today.


Trying not to close myself off because I know that is what I am good at, I made a final attempt today to reach out to him. I text him this morning and he just quit responding. I hate that more than anything. I would rather be told to fuck off than be ignored. Fries my damn ass I tell you. So now I am again left wondering what the hell? I have no idea what happened. I have no idea what is going through that thick head of his. I know nothing. I know that I have tried though and really tried to keep myself open and from walking away too quick. I just don't know what more I can do. I am just in shock that things are the way that they are. This is the last thing that I expected. I truly thought that he was different. I am left sitting here, loving him, yet so pissed off at him. I want him to be a man and talk to me. But I can't and won't force him. To me, it is like a lack of respect him keeping me in the dark and not talking to me.


A huge part of me wants to think that maybe his ex-wife is screwing with him where the kids are concerned since they were mentioned. And honestly, I wouldn't put it past her. Not after the little run in with her whack-job of a sister. She will do anything and everything to come in between us. So if that be the case, they won. They got what they wanted. Then I want to think that maybe he got scared. We moved quick. There were a lot of emotions really quick. He has a lot on his plate with the kids and having gone through a divorce. There are a million different things running through my head. All of them could be wrong, one or more of them right. At this point I don't think that I will ever know. What I do know is that I am just numb. I can't cry. I don't know what to cry over. I want to scream and hate him. But all I can do right now is love him and wish that things were different...but build that wall back up. I can't believe the first person I let in hurt me and in this way. It would be so much nicer knowing what was going on rather than knowing nothing. That is just so completely unfair. I would never do that to anyone, so I guess that is why I am having a hard time understanding how someone could do such a thing.


I don't think that he is a bad person. I don't want to talk negative about him because I don't want to regret the time that was spent with him. I just don't know what to do.


So that is what has been going on with me and keeping me away from the blogging world. I haven't wanted to really talk about it...which I think is understandable. I don't want people thinking, "I knew it" or whatever ugly thoughts they are going to think. But I can't prevent that. I just can worry about me.