So...TIRED

Last night I had a brilliant idea. I was going to drink myself into a slumber since I haven't been sleeping. It doesn't matter how tired I am, I can't sleep. My mind won't shut off. I just lay in bed and think and think and eventually my imagination starts playing tricks and I get myself all worked up. Oh it is so annoying. I don't know how to make it stop. So last night, I went running with my sister...not sure how I am able to work out because I haven't really been eating. The run felt great. When I am upset like I am it seems like I can run forever and I don't get tired. After, I went to my parents where I started drinking. I finished one bottle of wine all by my lonesome. And then I went to my house where I talked to Kylen and decided I needed to drink two more LARGE glasses of wine and a Smirnoff Raw Tea (oh so good by the way!). I was wasted. No food in my stomach. Just tons of alcohol. I went right to sleep or passed out. I was out so hard that I slept through my alarm clock this morning and was woken up by my dad banging on my bedroom window. Scared the shit out of me. I got up and rushed into the shower and that is when it hit me. I felt like a huge pile of dog shit. My head was pounding, my stomach was upset. I felt like I had been hit by a truck at least twice. And I was still oh so tired. I don't think that you really get good quality sleep when you pass out. Either that or the drinking just makes you extra tired. All I know is I feel at all rested today and am seriously dragging ass.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I hate being ignored...I really do. It seriously drives me insane and then my mind plays with me and it just isn't good at all. I felt that I had so much to say to Eli and that I needed to get it all out because holding it in was seriously making me sick. So, I wrote him a five page letter. It was very nice and explained to him all that I have been feeling and what I am thinking. I made it perfectly clear that I am not ok with him ignoring me and that I would rather have him tell me he hates me or to fuck off. I also let him know that I wish he would have enough respect for me to tell me what is going on of just say he is done once and for all. I put it in his mailbox on my lunch break. After writing it, I actually felt a little better. I wasn't holding everything in. He could very well have not read it, but I still got it out and it was at his house waiting for him when he got home from work. I wasn't surprised when I didn't hear from him last night or even today. If anything it is just making me start the moving on process.

There is so much of me wants to hold onto some hope and really think that this is all just a big misunderstanding. But I just can't hold on anymore. It would be totally different if he would say anything even if it be that he doesn't want to be with me or that he just needs some space to get some things worked out. Anything is better than nothing. It has now been over a week of this. I don't need to live like this or be treated like this at all.

So now I am figuring out my next move. He still has some things of mine at his house and a cell phone that is in my name. Him holding onto them and not giving them back gives me hope that maybe he isn't done and just needs time. But I don't want to be sitting on the side waiting for him to figure out what the hell he wants. I am not putting my life on hold any longer. I was thinking that I can't make him talk to me or answer his phone or anything else. But I could show up at his house. I was thinking that I could go over there after work around the time I know he is going to be there and just let him know I am there to get my things. I definitely don't want to fight with him or for there to be a scene. I just want my stuff and some closure and getting my stuff will give me that. I don't think I will ever get an explanation and that is something I have come to terms with.

I am just so sad that this is happening. I honestly didn't see it coming and thought he was the last person that would ever do something like this to me. Oh well. Guess that just means that there is someone better out there that will treat me even better than he did. I just don't think I will be able to get involved with anyone anytime soon.