Yes, I know, I have been completely MIA from the blogging world. I haven't even been reading other people's blogs. I know, I suck. But I just have been dealing with my own things and haven't really been in the mood to talk about my situation, let alone blog about it. Hell, I left town last week on Wednesday and didn't bother telling anyone that I was going to. I even deleted my myspace page. I have just about had it.


I was involved in a crappy relationship and from that, I was scarred. I didn't want to deal with guys, didn't want to remotely get into any sort of relationship at all because I didn't want to be hurt again. Being hurt sucks. I am sure you all can relate. I have tried to get close to people and tried to let people in, but with no success. M.L. came pretty close. I somewhat let my guard down with him. I was a little hung up on him too because...hell, because I was just stupid really. It was nice being around someone that I had a good time with. But then I realized I needed no one other than my family and friends. With them I could have a good time, laugh, and I wouldn't be hurt. So I continued on my single little way all the while staying away from relationships.


And then, Eli came along. And I'll be damned, but he totally swept me off my feet. He was able to break down any brick wall I had up to guard my heart. Somehow, he was able to win my trust...and I don't trust people that easy. I can honestly say, I have never trusted anyone as much as I trusted him. He was wonderful. He said and did all the right things. We seemed to have the "perfect" relationship. Everything was going great. Even though I know it was quick into the relationship, there was talk of marriage, kids, we almost paid for a cruise in November, just got two German shorthair puppies on Sunday, and just last Monday we talked about me moving out of my place and in with him completely since I was pretty much living there anyway. Yes, last Monday night.


Then Tuesday morning came along and my world turned upside down. I don't know what happened. All I know is I went from having a wonderful relationship to nothing. He won't tell me what is going on or anything. The only thing that he has said is that he got a "blocked message" and it pissed him off. I don't know what this 'message' said, but whatever it said has him scared enough to think he could possibly loose his kids. All this came as a super big shock to me and I just got a text saying he needed time to think. Wow...must have been some message. Of course I am freaking out and there are many other texts that were exchanged. Some of them nice, some of them not so nice. I had asked a few times if we were done and not one time did he respond. Not a yes or no or even go to hell. Nothing. So, I decided I was going to leave town. Most of my family was up at our family cabin. I was supposed to go up with Eli and the kids on Friday, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I called my boss and got the days off and left town first thing Wednesday morning with my dad. There was no contact whatsoever between Eli and I while I was gone. Nothing. 5 days of nothing being said.


I spent my 5 days with my family and actually ended up having a good time. It is amazing what getting out of town can do for you and being suck on the side of the mountain surrounded by beauty is just amazing. The first day was really rough, but the days got easier. I could leave what happened in Reno behind. I didn't have to deal with it. Then I came home on Sunday. I came home and had to move my stuff back into my place (forgot to mention I made sure to grab my things from his house and leave the key). Sunday night was the first night I had slept in my house in over a month. And the last time I had slept there, he was snuggled up right next to me. It was one rough, restless night with hardly any sleep. Yesterday I broke the ice. I actually text him and we seemed to have a decent text conversation. (I hate texting when it is over something important) But I needed to get the ball rolling. He has some stuff of mine and I just felt there were a lot of things that were left unsaid. He said all the right things - he loves me, misses me, can't stop thinking about me or us, and so on. So I told him I was going to go over there after the gym so we could talk. He said for me to call first because had a work party to go to. So after the gym, I text that I was out to which he responded he would be out awhile. I was a little floored considering our relationship is in shambles and told him I was going home. He said he would get ahold of me after. Well he had to be back at work at midnight so at 8:30pm he text saying he was going to bed and sorry and not to be mad. I can honestly say I wasn't mad. I was just so disappointed and sad and I let him know that. But I also let him know that I know he is tired and has to work all night and then turn around and pull a ten hour day today.


Trying not to close myself off because I know that is what I am good at, I made a final attempt today to reach out to him. I text him this morning and he just quit responding. I hate that more than anything. I would rather be told to fuck off than be ignored. Fries my damn ass I tell you. So now I am again left wondering what the hell? I have no idea what happened. I have no idea what is going through that thick head of his. I know nothing. I know that I have tried though and really tried to keep myself open and from walking away too quick. I just don't know what more I can do. I am just in shock that things are the way that they are. This is the last thing that I expected. I truly thought that he was different. I am left sitting here, loving him, yet so pissed off at him. I want him to be a man and talk to me. But I can't and won't force him. To me, it is like a lack of respect him keeping me in the dark and not talking to me.


A huge part of me wants to think that maybe his ex-wife is screwing with him where the kids are concerned since they were mentioned. And honestly, I wouldn't put it past her. Not after the little run in with her whack-job of a sister. She will do anything and everything to come in between us. So if that be the case, they won. They got what they wanted. Then I want to think that maybe he got scared. We moved quick. There were a lot of emotions really quick. He has a lot on his plate with the kids and having gone through a divorce. There are a million different things running through my head. All of them could be wrong, one or more of them right. At this point I don't think that I will ever know. What I do know is that I am just numb. I can't cry. I don't know what to cry over. I want to scream and hate him. But all I can do right now is love him and wish that things were different...but build that wall back up. I can't believe the first person I let in hurt me and in this way. It would be so much nicer knowing what was going on rather than knowing nothing. That is just so completely unfair. I would never do that to anyone, so I guess that is why I am having a hard time understanding how someone could do such a thing.


I don't think that he is a bad person. I don't want to talk negative about him because I don't want to regret the time that was spent with him. I just don't know what to do.


So that is what has been going on with me and keeping me away from the blogging world. I haven't wanted to really talk about it...which I think is understandable. I don't want people thinking, "I knew it" or whatever ugly thoughts they are going to think. But I can't prevent that. I just can worry about me.