Have you ever been totally into someone that it is easier to just pretend like you don’t care when it is over and that you have moved on? But in all actuality, you still think about this person all the time. You wonder what he is doing, who he may be with, if he thinks about you, and all he while wish that things were different and you could be with him. Well, that is me. That is the situation I have been in for months now. Sure, I have talked to other guys and even tried to hang out with them. But all I end up doing is comparing and still thinking about M.L.
Ah, M.L. That boy. I don’t know what it is about him or why I can’t get him out of my head or out of my heart, but he is constantly there. There is just something that is different about him and was different when I was with him. I met him randomly at a softball game. I didn’t notice him per say at first. I noticed his gorgeous smile and eyes. That is enough to make a heart melt right there. After the eyes and the smile, I noticed the rest of the package and let’s just say…HOT! We started talking, then we started hanging out and that is how it went. The thing with him and I is we were both getting out of a bad relationship about the same time. His was more serious and had lasted longer than mine and so he was more jaded than me by far. He was just scared to commit and to get too close. We communicated well for the most part and knew where each of us stood and the feelings that we had, but it got to a point where it was just too hard for me. I couldn’t be with someone and wanting someone and not be able to have the label and know that he was constantly getting close to me only to push me away because he would get scared.
So, I did the hardest thing ever and I told him that we just needed to be friends. That I couldn’t be around him all the time and act like boyfriend/girlfriend and feel like it was going no where. The conversation we had ended up being really emotional. I was doing something that scared me and that I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t see any other way. I think the hardest part was knowing that there were so many feelings and emotions on both sides and knowing that it wasn’t just hard on me, but for him too. So that was that. I closed off because it was easier than being hurt. There were a few texts back and forth for the next couple weeks after the big talk and then, nothing. It was horrible. I have spent the last two months just not understanding. To me, I would have thought he would at least want to stay in touch and that, but it wasn’t like that. Even with not talking to him, he was never far from my thoughts.
A couple weekends ago, I found out that he had been asking someone who knows me and my family, about how I was doing and what I was up to. Of course this gets back to me and my stomach starts flopping around. So as the conversation continues I found out he admitted that he really missed me. I honestly can’t tell you how I felt when I heard the words. After thinking about him and missing him, it was nice to know that he was doing the same thing. I thought about how things were and how we weren’t talking and I came to the conclusion that I needed to open up the lines of communication again. I know him and I know that he is scared to talk to me at this point. He thinks that I have completely cut him out of my life and that I have moved onto someone else. After a few days of pondering what to do, I got the courage to send him a text. I was nervous and scared. I didn’t know what to expect and I wasn’t sure how he was going to respond. It went so well though. Things were light and each just said how we were doing. And of course, I got the one question I figured I would. “Busy with what? Your new man?” That right there shows that he cares and I made sure to tell him there hasn’t been anyone else. And by the end, he had asked if we could get together. That doesn’t mean much though and I made sure to not get my hopes up.
I went out Saturday night and went to 210. I always fear going to this place for the simple fact that I always think I will see M.L. there. I had been lucky so far. I really tried to take it easy drinking on Saturday night, but every time I turned around, someone else had bought me a new drink. How do you stay sober like that?? A guy from my new job showed up and I was having all sorts of fun dancing with him and having a great time and then I saw M.L.’s roommate. My heart stopped because it was then that I instantly new M.L. was there. His roommate took one look at me and smiled and then turned and walked in the opposite direction. Within 30 sec, M.L. was by the dance floor looking around. So, I walked up to him. Let me just say, the boy looked damn good. So we talked and danced and gave each other shit. And of course the conversation turned to us and how things got how they were and it just was hard. Then he was sitting there saying that he has no idea how I feel about him and we need to talk and on and on.
I was so happy to see him, yet was so sad about the situation we were in. The thought of him being there and knowing he would probably be dancing with another girl crushed me. So, I had to leave. It was better to leave than have to see something I wasn’t ready to handle or deal with. And even with leaving, my little heart still broke and I ended up crying myself to sleep. It sucked and I hated it. And I just don’t know what to do about it.
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