Oh, what a night

I have to write about my night last night because it is just so weird how it all panned out, but you need all the details leading up to last night. First of all, I had said that I would go to the basketball game at UNR with the guy I coach volleyball with at the beginning of the week. The deal between him and I is simply this: he likes me and has told me and I have made it very clear on several occasions that I want nothing more than a friendship with him. He is ok with that and knows I like going to the game and his other friend couldn't go, so he asked me. He is well aware of every other guy that I have dated and that I am still hung up on M.L. (which is another story in itself). Well, Tuesday night M.L. had said that he wanted to meet up and "talk" last night and then we were both going to the game and he asked if I wanted to meet up there and I said I would come say hi. That turned into, "well who are you going with?" I replied, thinking nothing of it, "the guy I coach with." Holy crap was that a wrong move. He was like, "uh oh, sounds fishy, have fun with that." I was pissed. Seriously, where does he get off. So I text him telling him that if I had something to hide, I would have lied about who I was going with to which he responded, "play on player." Whatever. I called, we talked, we laughed, said we we would see each other at the game and that was it.

So on the way to the game I am telling the guy I coach with everything that has been going on the last two weeks between M.L. and I and my story is just about done as we are walking into Lawlor and I swear to you, M.L. walks by. How flippin crazy is that!?! So we get in and I went over and said hi and no joke, he hugs me and says, "hey babe, how's it going?" There was a little small talk, I introduced the two and off I went to my seat. From my seat, I was literally two sections away from where he was and could see him clear as day. We text a few times during the game and after I asked if he was still wanting to meet up. The text messages started off as him just flipping me shit about how my night was and if the guy I went with and I had nice deep conversations. At first I thought maybe he was joking until he laid into me being out on a date and that he just got faded and didn't feel like talking and wanted to do it tomorrow. I was so annoyed. I just sat there thinking that I have been hung up on a guy that seriously is just a waste of my time and a piece of shit just like the rest of the sorry assholes I have dated. So the texts got crazy back and forth and he was telling me to calm down and that we would talk, just not last night and on and on and I finally just let him know that he obviously has no respect for me and that he isn't the guy that I thought he was. That tipped him over and the conversation ended.

So now I am left pissed off at myself for thinking that he was something that he isn't and just annoyed with what a douchebag he is. I guess it is good that I found out though and that I am able to move on now. I just am shocked at how selfish people can be. It is crazy. I thought my night would end with different answers from him, that we would have sat down and actually talked about things, and would have a good feeling. Instead, shit hit the fan and I am left thinking so much less of the person he is. It is quite sad actually, but what can you do?

Need to give credit

I just have to tell whoever reads this (could be just you, Shannon), that Shannon is a fantastic cook. That's right. When she says she is the best, she isn't lying like most other douchebags would. I have been over for dinner twice and been amazed and ate more than normal both times because it is so flippin good. The first night she made this stuffed chicken thing and it was yummy as all get out. I usually can't eat more than half a chicken breast and I ate the whole damn thing along with asparagus, potatoes, and salad. Not only that, she goes as far as to ask what I like and don't like so I will for sure like what she makes. Amazing person I tell you. Last night I got to eat a yummy chicken, artichoke, pasta dish she came up with. When I asked what the sauce was she just said it was something she came up with. Seriously today when I started to get hungry I was wishing I had some it was that good. So kudos to you my dear friend. You are full of awesomeness and totally kick ass.

Oh ya, she is great at baking and her truffles are the shit!

I'm just plain Weird...

I seriously think I have issues. I don't know what my problem is. I am the type of person that loves being in a relationship but am at this point in my life where I am terrified as all get out of getting to that point again. The last thing that I want to do is open myself up again to someone and then end up heartbroken and having to do it all over again.

My stupid ex, Bryan, got me to the point of having a hard time trusting guys. I seriously have the hardest time believing that the things that come out of a guys mouth are true. I even had a hard time trusting M.L. Yes, that is a fact. I don't flippin get it. How does one sorry son of a bitch taint my life???? He is the biggest piece of shit I know and yet, my experiences with him have made each relationship after him hard for me. Take whatever it is there was between me and M.L. I was so scared of being hurt that I spend a ton of my time trying to guard myself and just closed myself off. Who knows if things would have been different if I was different. The fact still remains that I am not the same person that I was before Bryan changed my life. I used to be able to meet a guy and just fall for him and jump in with both feet. Now baby steps seem like it is too fast.

I keep saying how I want to meet a nice guy. One that would never do even one of the things that Bryan did to me and yet, the minute I meet a remotely nice guy, I want to run as fast as I can away from him. Mostly it just seems that the nice ones come on so freaking strong that it makes me sick. I am so sick of hearing the same things over and over because they think that I want to hear them. I mean, yes, every girl wants to be told that they are pretty, beautiful, sexy, and whatnot, but not a fucking million times a day. I want a guy to be nice and like me and not fucking smother me. It seriously takes the thrill out of dating. This is something that I am experiencing right now. There is this guy. He is cute (not a knock out by any means) and super nice. But he is really just overwhelming at this point. Not to mention he is a big church goer and he is still trying to get to me to be one. Guess what???? That is not me. Yes, I believe in God, but I have never been one to go to church, so please don't push it on me. Not to mention, I feel bad even saying shit around him. What the hell?!?! I say shit all the time. It is like Shannon saying fuck. That is just how it works. So said guy emails me a million times a day and continues to ask me to hang out. He just asked if I wanted to go to lunch on Sunday and I said I was working and now he wants to come to my work so I can wait on him and he can (not lying), "hit on a hot server." Are you fucking kidding me!? Don't come to my work to see me unless I invite you!

And I don't get how I can like emailing someone so much (not said guy above) and then meet him in person and have the connection not be there (you know who I am talking about Shannon). How the hell does that work? I feel like I am completely fucked up and that people around me are thinking I am a complete dumbass. I might be, but I don't know. I keep telling myself that I can't help not being into a guy. A friend was saying to me today how lucky I am to be a girl and have guys just come after me and want me and how he doesn't understand how I don't take up the opportunities. Seriously? Just because there are opportunities doesn't mean that I like the ones that I have. Ya, it is flattering to have someone like you and hit on you, but that doesn't mean you want to date them or marry them. I can't help that I have come into contact with a few nice guys and don't have any interest in them other than a friendship. I don't know why I am not attracted to them physically or that I don't feel that "connection" that you only feel with certain people.

Maybe all this is a sign for me to keep being busy and just doing my own thing and just hanging out with my friends. I don't know. I honestly am happy being single right now. And no, I am not one of those single girls that goes out to clubs just to pick up a guy to take home and fuck for the night. In fact, I don't go out much at all and if I do, I don't go out with any intention of meeting or talking to guys. I go out to have fun with my friends and just dance my ass off.

So is there something wrong with me?? Am I out of my flippin mind or what? Why are things just so flipping weird??!?!?!

This Week's Preview

This is going to be an incredibly long week. This day alone feels like it has taken a week, so the rest of the week is hard to imagine. For the majority of the day, I have been the only one in the office. How boring is that? What makes it even more boring is not having any work to do. That's right, I am sitting here getting paid to do nothing. Why on Earth do I even have to be here? Oh that's right. Both supervisor's are out, so is my co-worker (but that is understandable), and over half the damn office. I think that the day after Christmas should be a holiday. No one ever wants to work it, everyone complains when they are at work because they don't want to be and it is all around just annoying.

So my plan this week, at work of course, is to finish my book, write more blogs, update my new 2007 calendar, catch up with friends, and just relax. That's right and I will be getting paid to do it all. Oh and I will figure out what my New Year's Resolution is going to be. Doesn't that just sound absolutely splendid? I thought so.

A Great Christmas...with a little hurt

Christmas was good this year. Once again, my sister and I were completely spoiled and got everything that we asked for. My parents love to make us happy and feel they have to do that. I loved just being with them though and the rest of my family. This year was just so nice. Everyone seemed to just relax and enjoy and things weren't tense. And although this Christmas was awesome, it was also sad and hard for me as well.

This was my first Christmas without my Papa. I think that had a lot to do with my attitude last week and it was just coming out in many different ways and in many different areas. It was so weird to be able to open presents without waiting for him to get there and grab his cup of coffee first. To not have him there joking about just how spoiled my sister and I are, even though he used to spoil us just as much. To not have him smile and laugh and just be in the room. I found myself crying at so many different times during the day. I know that he was with me and my family, but it just wasn't the same and that is just me being selfish. I wasn't ready for him to not be here, yet am so thankful that he isn't hurting anymore and peaceful. I just hope he knows how much I love and miss him and will for the rest of my life.

A New Day

Today is a new day and for that I am thankful. I seriously hate being as upset as I was yesterday. It is just not fun or good in any way. I have had time to calm down and think about things and although I am still not happy about my situation at my job, I am not completely destroyed emotionally. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that there wasn't enough respect for me on my supervisor's parts to come and talk to me about what was going on. Instead I had to over hear it. It just would have been a complete different story if it had come from them. Oh well though. Now I just need to talk to them about it.

I am thankful that I at least have a job and have insurance and benefits. I am thankful that I am healthy and able to come to work. I have realized my life isn't ending and all is well in the world. Sorry for my outburst.

Flippin Irate Right Now!

I am so pissed right now that I seriously can't even see straight and I am not sure what the hell do do about it. Where the hell do people get off lying and going behind others backs when they know the person is going to find out?? Who the hell does that kind of shit? I just found out today that the job that was supposed to be mine (or supposedly going to be) is being offered to someone else. That's right. They didn't like the people that they interviewed, so instead of opening the list up so I can apply and get on it to be interviewed and then hired, they are going to transfer someone up from Carson. Oh but here is the kicker. I am not supposed to know anything about this. That's right, my supervisor's told my co-worker not to say anything to me and to be secretive about it knowing I would be upset about it. Seriously!!?!?!?! WE SHARE A FUCKING OFFICE!!!!! That's right. I sit next to her and listen to the phone calls she makes.

So as I am sitting at my desk, wishing the day was over already, I hear her inquiring about this transfer. I couldn't believe my ears. And then when I say something I am told that she was told not to say anything to me. How the hell do people sleep at night?!! Do they not know that they are dealing with other people's feelings!?!? I am beyond mad I think. I am so pissed I am doing everything possible not to cry. I don't understand. How do you sit there and tell someone you want them in the position and be patient and then do something like this?

All it makes me want to do is find another job and say FUCK IT!